Attachment style and the woman in an affair: What is really going on beneath the surface?

Apr 11

Affairs are rarely just about sex or excitement — they often crack open deeper emotional needs and unresolved patterns from our past. For women, the emotional undercurrents in an affair can run especially deep, and that’s where attachment styles come into play. Our attachment style — shaped in childhood and refined through adult relationships — influences how we connect, how we respond to intimacy, and how we cope when things get complicated. So what happens when a woman with a particular attachment style enters into an affair?

Let’s break it down. If you need help with your unique situation, you can schedule a comprehensive consultation appointment here.

1. The Anxiously Attached Woman: Seeking Connection at All Costs

She craves closeness, fears abandonment, and often feels like she’s “too much” for her partner. If she finds herself in an affair, it’s often not just about attraction — it’s about being seen, heard, and wanted.

Why the affair happens: She may feel neglected or emotionally invisible in her current relationship. The affair partner showers her with attention or makes her feel special again.
Inner experience: Torn, guilty, but also emotionally addicted to the highs of the affair. She might fantasize about the affair progressing to a primary relationship. She idealize the affair partner.
Post-affair dynamic: She may struggle to detach and let go, even if the affair is painful to be in. The fear of abandonment is stronger than her desire for resolution.

👉 Common thought: “This is the first time I’ve felt truly loved in a long time.”

2. The Avoidantly Attached Woman: Craving Distance, Not Drama

She values independence, keeps her emotions close to the chest, and often feels smothered by emotional demands. An affair, for her, may feel like a way to maintain control and avoid vulnerability.

Why the affair happens: She might feel emotionally confined in her main relationship, or she wants the freedom of passion without the pressure of intimacy.
Inner experience: Detached, compartmentalized. She may care for her affair partner but keep things cool, distant, or “just physical.”
Post-affair dynamic: She might walk away with little explanation, especially if the emotional stakes get too high.

👉 Common thought: “I need space, not more emotional mess.”

3. The Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Woman: Torn Between Love and Fear

This woman sits in the paradox — she wants closeness but is terrified of it. Often shaped by early trauma or inconsistent caregiving, her relationships can be intense, chaotic, or emotionally charged.

Why the affair happens: She may be drawn to high-drama, emotionally charged situations. The affair feels thrilling but also reinforces her fears of rejection and instability.
Inner experience: Rollercoaster. Deep yearning mixed with shame, fear of being exposed, and emotional confusion.
Post-affair dynamic: She may end up overwhelmed and self-sabotaging, pushing people away even as she longs to be chosen.

👉 Common thought: “Why do I always get into these messes — and why can’t I stop?”

4. The Securely Attached Woman: Grounded, But Not Immune

She’s emotionally balanced, communicative, and able to form healthy bonds. But being securely attached doesn’t make her affair-proof — she’s just more likely to seek emotional honesty and clarity.

Why the affair happens: Usually stems from a deeper dissatisfaction or disconnection in her current relationship. She may not be impulsive but ends up connecting with someone who meets her on a deeper level.
Inner experience: Guilt, reflection, and a desire to resolve the situation honestly.
Post-affair dynamic: She’s more likely to confront the issue directly — either by ending the affair, repairing her primary relationship, or moving on with integrity.

👉 Common thought: “I didn’t plan for this, but I need to figure out what it means — for real.”

So, Why Does This Matter?

Understanding attachment styles isn’t about placing blame — it’s about clarity. When a woman is in an affair, she’s often trying to meet an unmet emotional need. And that need usually ties back to early relational patterns.

Knowing your attachment style doesn’t just explain why you might be in an affair — it also helps you understand what you truly need, how you love, and how you heal.

If You’re in the Middle of It…

Take a pause. Ask yourself:

Am I feeling loved or just validated?
Am I repeating a pattern from past relationships?
What am I really craving — and can I give it to myself?

Affairs can feel like emotional earthquakes, but they can also become powerful turning points for growth, truth, and deeper self-understanding.

You’re not broken. You’re human. And you’re allowed to ask hard questions about love, connection, and what comes next. We would be honored to help you in your journey. We have assessment tools to establish your attachment style and a full science-based program to help you move to a secure attachment style. Please contact us so we can learn about your unique story and we can develop a strong plan to help you in your journey. Schedule your comprehensive consultation today.

With Love…The Shadows Of Love Team!

Paola Boniforti

Paola Boniforti holds a Psychology Degree from George Mason University and has dedicated the past 25 years to coaching and mentoring. With a deep understanding of the human psyche, Paola has turned her attention to an often-overlooked group: the "other woman" in an affair relationship. Through her work, Paola breaks the silence surrounding the profound emotional complexities, social stigma, and isolation that women face when involved in an affair relationship. Too often, the "other woman" is cast as the villain, her feelings minimized or ignored as mere consequences of her actions. But Paola believes that every woman, regardless of her circumstances, is a human being worthy of compassion, self-reflection, and a path to healing. Paola explores the growth, self-discovery, and inner liberation that comes from deep internal transformative work. Through her work, Paola humanizes the experience of the "other woman," offering insight and understanding that is often absent in conversations about infidelity. Paola is also a writer, sought-after speaker and creator of a powerful coaching program designed specifically for women walking the difficult path of being the "other woman." Paola’s mission is to provide the tools, guidance, and support needed for women to reclaim their power, embrace their worth, and find healing.

https://www.theshadowsoflove.com