Why affair relationships are difficult to end …even when discovered

Apr 5

Affairs are often characterized by secrecy, excitement, and intense emotions. But when an affair is discovered—whether by the partner, family, or friends—many people expect it to end immediately. After all, the secrecy is broken, the truth is out, and the relationship is no longer clandestine. However, in many cases, that’s not what happens. Even after an affair is discovered, relationships often don’t end right away, and in some cases, they don’t end at all. So why is it so difficult for people to walk away from affair relationships, even once the truth is exposed? Let’s dive into the complexities behind why affair relationships are often so hard to let go of and explore some of the psychological and emotional factors at play.

1. Emotional Attachment and Bonding

One of the primary reasons affairs are so difficult to end is the emotional attachment that forms between the people involved. When an affair begins, it often starts with a powerful emotional or physical connection that feels both thrilling and unique. Over time, this connection can deepen, making it harder for individuals to walk away, even when the affair is exposed. A significant psychological concept at play here is “intermittent reinforcement.” This is when a person experiences a mix of emotional highs (passion, attention, excitement) and lows (guilt, secrecy, distance), but the unpredictability of the emotional reward keeps them hooked. Research has shown that intermittent reinforcement—especially in relationships—can be incredibly addictive, making the person more likely to stay in the relationship despite the negative consequences. This emotional attachment can be difficult to break, and often, people involved in affairs continue to find reasons to stay connected even after their infidelity is discovered. Feelings of love or deep emotional dependency can keep the affair alive, even in the face of betrayal or social pressure.

2. Fear of Loss and Guilt

When an affair is exposed, people may feel conflicted between their feelings for their affair partner and their primary partner. There’s often a great deal of guilt surrounding the affair, but also a very real fear of loss. People may fear losing the emotional support, validation, and intimacy they’ve found in the affair. Even after being discovered, they might not want to let go of this attachment, which can delay the end of the affair or make it feel impossible to walk away. According to studies, attachment theory plays a significant role in this dynamic. People who develop strong emotional bonds with their affair partner may find it difficult to detach because their attachment needs are being fulfilled in ways that their primary relationship might not be. The fear of losing this new source of emotional intimacy and connection can make the decision to end the affair heart-wrenching, even when it’s discovered.

3. Cognitive Dissonance: The Inner Conflict

When an affair is discovered, the person involved may experience what is known as cognitive dissonance—the mental discomfort of holding conflicting beliefs or attitudes. On one hand, they may know that the affair is wrong and that they’ve hurt their partner or loved ones. On the other hand, they may feel genuine affection or even love for their affair partner, and they may want to preserve that relationship. This inner conflict creates a strong tension. To resolve this tension, the individual may try to justify or rationalize their actions. They may tell themselves that they can make the affair work in the long run or that their primary relationship wasn’t fulfilling enough. This internal conflict can prevent them from immediately ending the affair, even when the affair is exposed.

4. Unfinished Emotional Business and Denial

In some cases, people may feel that the affair is “unfinished”—that there’s still something left to resolve emotionally with the affair partner. This can be especially true if the affair was long-term or emotionally intense. Individuals may convince themselves that the affair isn’t truly over, even after it has been discovered, or they may harbor feelings of denial, downplaying the seriousness of the situation. For example, one partner may feel that they haven’t fully explored the emotional connection they have with their affair partner, and they may convince themselves that the relationship isn’t entirely over. In these cases, even after being discovered, the affair may continue because the emotional closure hasn’t been achieved.

5. The Impact of Secrecy and the Thrill

There’s something uniquely compelling about keeping a secret, especially when it comes to romantic or sexual relationships. The thrill of secrecy is often a central part of the affair itself, and once it’s exposed, there can still be a sense of excitement in navigating the new dynamics of the relationship. For many people, the secrecy surrounding the affair provided a rush—something that kept them on edge and invested in the relationship. When that secrecy is no longer in place, it can feel disorienting, and some people might find themselves craving that initial excitement again, leading to a reluctance to end the affair.

6. Statistics Show the Longevity of Affairs

Affairs don’t always end when discovered, and in some cases, they last for years. According to various studies and surveys on infidelity:

25-40% of married couples experience infidelity at some point during their marriage. However, only about 50-60% of these individuals end their affair relationships after being discovered.
Research suggests that when an affair lasts for over a year, the emotional attachment between the affair partners becomes even stronger, making it harder to sever the connection.
According to some reports, around 10-15% of people who are involved in an affair will choose to leave their spouse and start a life with their affair partner. While this is a minority, it highlights that some affairs evolve into long-term relationships, even after discovery.

These statistics suggest that affairs are not always temporary, and the emotional complexities involved make them difficult to end, even when they are out in the open.

7. The Role of the Primary Relationship

In many cases, the dynamics of the primary relationship (the marriage or committed relationship) can also influence how long the affair lasts. If the primary relationship is struggling—whether due to lack of communication, intimacy, or emotional fulfillment—then the person having the affair may continue the relationship even after it’s discovered, hoping that things will work out. In other words, if the primary relationship is seen as unfulfilling or broken and a sacrifice to remain in, the individual may hold onto the affair, believing it offers something their primary relationship doesn’t. This can create a kind of emotional “tug-of-war” between two relationships, leading to delays in ending the affair.

Final Thoughts

Affair relationships are incredibly complex and difficult to end. Even after an affair is discovered, the emotions, attachments, and fears involved make it harder to walk away. Guilt, emotional bonding, cognitive dissonance, and the lingering appeal of secrecy can all contribute to the persistence of an affair relationship. For anyone involved in an affair—whether as the person having the affair or the one discovering it—it’s important to recognize the emotional and psychological complexities at play. Understanding why these relationships are so hard to end can offer clarity and insight into why people behave the way they do, and can help guide decisions moving forward.

If you need support in your unique journey, please contact us and schedule a coaching session with us.

With love…The Shadows Of Love Team.

Paola Boniforti

Paola Boniforti holds a Psychology Degree from George Mason University and has dedicated the past 25 years to coaching and mentoring. With a deep understanding of the human psyche, Paola has turned her attention to an often-overlooked group: the "other woman" in an affair relationship. Through her work, Paola breaks the silence surrounding the profound emotional complexities, social stigma, and isolation that women face when involved in an affair relationship. Too often, the "other woman" is cast as the villain, her feelings minimized or ignored as mere consequences of her actions. But Paola believes that every woman, regardless of her circumstances, is a human being worthy of compassion, self-reflection, and a path to healing. Paola explores the growth, self-discovery, and inner liberation that comes from deep internal transformative work. Through her work, Paola humanizes the experience of the "other woman," offering insight and understanding that is often absent in conversations about infidelity. Paola is also a writer, sought-after speaker and creator of a powerful coaching program designed specifically for women walking the difficult path of being the "other woman." Paola’s mission is to provide the tools, guidance, and support needed for women to reclaim their power, embrace their worth, and find healing.

https://www.theshadowsoflove.com